


Full

by deedeeinfj



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-09
Updated: 2013-02-09
Packaged: 2017-11-28 17:49:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/677148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deedeeinfj/pseuds/deedeeinfj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius escapes</p>
            </blockquote>





	Full

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on Livejournal, 2003.

The dog collapses on the shore, an emaciated pile of wet fur, his bony ribs moving apart and together in quick succession with his labored breaths. His lungs are bursting because he has been swimming with muscles unused for a decade, a stomach that hasn't been satisfied in just as long, and a mind so full it could make up for everything else that's empty. But maybe his lungs are bursting because they don't know what to do with so much air; have to take it all in at once to make up for years of breathing in cold and rot, incessant inhalations of despair, steadily working to move oxygen and blood through a heart that's felt dead for many years.

Fingers dig deeply into the sand in place of paws, reacquainting themselves with something besides rock and stone. Something that isn't solid and unyielding. Long, dirty black hair spills over the pale face, though eyes stare up through the strands at the stars, at the dark silhouettes of clouds, at a full moon. The tangled fur has been replaced with ragged clothes. They fit when he'd first put them on; now they hang off his frame like tattered curtains. He is starving, and he vaguely realizes that he must find his own food now. And he must run from here because they'll be looking for him soon. A hand slips into a torn pocket and he fingers an edge of newspaper.  _He's at Hogwarts_.

His breathing is slower now, and he forces himself to stand. He takes weary steps towards the woods, but his legs stop after a few feet. No, they seem to say, we can't go any further because there's a stone wall here. He puts a foot forward, and then another, but something inside him fights against freedom. Again he looks up at the sky, and his eyes rest on the moon. He hasn't seen it in twelve years. But he remembers that the dog loved to run under it when it was full.

He transforms, and the dog -- Padfoot, he reminds himself, because he has need of a name again -- bounds into the woods, running with much more will and strength than the man possesses. The dog seems to have a clearer idea of where he is going, what he is seeking. Padfoot remembers the nights in the Forbidden Forest under the full moon, remembers chasing things, remembers running with the wolf. With Moony under the full moon. He stops running, raises his head, and howls. After making no sound for years, the throat is soon hoarse, but Padfoot doesn't care. The black nose rises even higher in the air, and the dog howls for his mate, howls because he can.

His body feels heavier now, and he curls up at the foot of a tree to turn back into the man. That's when his mind scatters into hundreds, thousands, of thoughts and memories that flit by so fast, he feels dizzy and sick. But never has nausea felt so wonderful. He never wants it to end. He sees boys being sorted, laughing behind statues at the victims of practical jokes, skivving classes, stealing food, opening Christmas presents, playing Quidditch, telling jokes, sneaking into the forest. He sees teenagers studying, transforming into animals, still laughing, still playing pranks, stealing food more than ever, serving detention, roaming the forest, creating a magical map, kissing. He suddenly remembers that he was once alive, and that he was the black-haired, grinning boy in expensive robes. He sees a wedding, a comfortable flat, a motorbike, and a baby with black hair and green eyes.  _He's at Hogwarts_.

Sleep is impossible, no matter how tired he is. How can he force himself to sleep when he'd miss this restoration of everything that was stolen and forgotten? The realization that every miserable memory was accompanied by many more happy ones? After years of dwelling on a betrayal, he can remember the night he was forgiven, and his reflection in the wolfish, amber-colored eyes when he was kissed. Along with the bitter memories of Grimmauld Place, he now finds good memories of summer visits, of going to live with the Potters. He's always been aware that he was a bastard; now he remembers that people loved him anyway. He spent twelve years telling himself that his life was over, and now he understands that he's free.

It would feel like peace if he didn't also have this boiling hatred, this driving obsession to find the rat. He's at Hogwarts, and he will pay for what he did. He will die for the lives he took. Nor can there be peace until he knows what's become of Moony. Is he alone right now, biting and clawing himself, or have they finally found a cure, or has Moony found someone else to be with him on those nights? He is surprised to find that he hopes for the latter. Yes, he realizes, he remembers what love is.

He leans his head back against the tree, and though it is solid, it doesn't feel the same as stone. In the morning he will find food and begin making his way to Hogwarts. He will try to sleep now, and for the first time in years, his dreams will be drawn from a well of good memories -- the memories that belonged to Sirius Black.


End file.
